The following procedure is recommended

  • look at the other person,
  • listen until the person has finished talking,
  • show your attention by nodding your head, saying “yes” or “hm”,
  • summarizing what you have heard helps to prevent premature counter-reactions,
  • asking questions when things are unclear helps to understand the other person correctly.

Simply listening to other people helps to show consideration and appreciation for their concerns.

Example - The watering can principle

When we water plants, we go from one plant to the next until the pot is empty. When we tell another person something, we want to talk until everything important has been said. As a listener, it is then helpful to imagine the speaker as a watering can and to listen until the “can is empty”.

Ms. B. seemed upset and complained bitterly about her colleague’s behavior. The supervisor looked at Ms. B. calmly. He could have objected right at the beginning of the conversation, but he slowed down.

Then he imagined Ms. B. as a watering can emptying her water. Ms. B. spoke quickly and indulged in reproaches. So the watering can was well filled. How could he help Ms. B. to “empty the watering can” and not interfere prematurely?

By saying “hm” and nodding his head, he signaled to her that he was listening attentively and going along with her. Ms. B. continued talking. The jug emptied.

By saying “yes” and “aha”, he encouraged Ms. B. to continue speaking. The jug continued to empty.

Then Ms. B came to a standstill. She thought about it and seemed somewhat blocked. By repeating the last sentence, he helped her to pick up the thread again. The jug continued to empty until only a trickle could be seen. There was a pause, which lasted despite further encouragement to continue. Ms. B. looked at him. The jug was empty.

He summarized the essentials to show that he had listened and slowed down in his efforts to answer quickly.

He had noted one ambiguity and clarified it after “emptying the jug”.

Ms. B felt that her concerns were respected and understood. The rest of the conversation could now proceed calmly and with mutual respect.

You can also use

PIRKA® make demands
PIRKA® appear sympathetic
PIRKA® come to an agreement
PIRKA® talk2b® beyond judgment

© 2024 PIRKA® Wolfgang Smidt. The content provided on this website is protected by copyright. Any use requires the prior written consent of the author. The information and advice provided has been compiled to the best of our knowledge and carefully checked. However, it is no substitute for expert psychological and medical advice in individual cases.

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PIRKA wishes you every success with the application.

Literature

Hoyer, J. & Wittchen, H. U. (2011). Gesprächsführung in der Klinischen Psychologie und Psychotherapie. In Wittchen, H. U. & Hoyer, J. (Hrsg.). Klinische Psychologie und Psychotherapie. Berlin: Springer Verlag.

Speierer, G. W. (2011). Unkonditionales Akzeptieren. In Linden, M. & Hautzinger, M. (Hrsg.). Verhaltenstherapiemanual. Berlin: Springer Verlag.