appear sympathetic

Making demands when the other person is in the right can lead to a lack of understanding and anger. The other person then acts according to the motto: Now more than ever!

Remember BEFORE the situation,

• that the other person is in the right,
• what I want to achieve, what specific behavior I want from the person,
• to encourage ourselves by saying to ourselves: “I can try”.

Remember IN the situation,

• that most people are interested in a peaceful solution,
• be friendly, because the other person is in the right,
• to speak calmly. Speaking up or shouting creates a backlash.

SYMPATHICALLY GETTING UP begins with this,

• friendly greeting, the other person may be in thought. “Hello / good afternoon”,
• saying what I specifically want,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents you from becoming agitated,
• listening to the other person’s justified objections in silence and letting them finish,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can relax the situation,
• telling something about yourself helps the other person to form a picture of you.
• repeat the sentence, i.e. our request, a second and final time (!). The other person is right! More repetitions have a demanding effect.

AFTER the situation I should

• praise myself for every little step forward, regardless of my success. Say to yourself silently: “It wasn’t as hard as I thought”
• be proud of having tried.

If I am parked in a no-parking zone, the person from the public order office has the right to issue a parking ticket. Being demanding or even angry in such a situation overlooks the fact that the other person has the right on their side.

He was in a hurry. His wife was sick in bed and he had to take his son to nursery school today. It was already late. On the way to nursery, his son was already protesting in the car. “He only does that to me,” he thought to himself. As he turned into the street, he heard a whimper that quickly got louder. There was no stopping in front of the kindergarten. He knew that his son would not calm down so quickly and found it unpleasant to look for another parking space and have to walk a long way with a crying child. What would people think of him? He parked in front of the kindergarten, grabbed his protesting son and hurried to the door. Handing him over to the nursery school teacher proved difficult as his son had a tight grip on his tie. Gasping for breath, he saw a policewoman in the corner of his eye approaching his car with determination. Shortly afterwards, he also reached the car.

Remember BEFORE the situation,

• that the other person is in the right. “Calm down, they are in the Right”,
• what I want to achieve, what specific behavior I want from the person. He thought for a moment: “Please don’t issue a protocol. Father in distress. It had to be done quickly”. He couldn’t think of anything better,
• encourage himself by saying to us: “I can give it a try”.

SYMPATHICALLY REPEATING begins with this,

• friendly greeting, the other person may be thinking. The lady from the public order office stood with her back to him. He greeted her in a friendly manner: “Good afternoon!” The lady looked at him,
• tell him what I specifically wanted. He still couldn’t think of anything better and said: “Please don’t issue a protocol. Father in distress. It had to be done quickly”. She looked at him in surprise, as she had heard many explanations before. This was new. She was curious to see what would happen next,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents you from getting restless. (“Please do not issue a protocol. Father in distress. It had to be done quickly”),
• listen to the other person’s justified objections in silence and let them finish. After a short pause, the lady gave a detailed lecture on the problem of rampant ignorance regarding no-stopping zones,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can ease the situation. He said: “You’re right. I understand you”,
• telling something about yourself helps the other person to form a picture of you. “My wife usually takes our son to nursery. He always cries with me and I can hardly get him to calm down. It’s a drama every time! If I had to walk a long way with him, the other mothers would look at me funny and think who knows what of me. But of course they do the right thing. The policewoman showed understanding and left it at an admonition and
• he didn’t need to repeat the sentence again.

AFTER the situation, I should

• praise myself for every little step forward, regardless of my success. Say to myself silently: “I tried. It wasn’t that difficult after all” and
• be proud of having tried.

He hurried into the swimming pool. It was 7 p.m., closing time. He saw the ticket machine in the distance. Only 15 meters to go. The door next to the machine opened and the pool attendant unlocked the cash machine. The cash box was removed from its mooring.

The pool attendant began to settle the bill.

Remember BEFORE the situation,

• that the other person is in the right. “Calm down, he’s in the right”,
• what I want to achieve, what specific behavior I want from the person. He thought for a moment: “Can you please let me in? I didn’t make it in time”,
• encourage himself by saying to us: “I can try”.

SYMPATHICALLY REPEATING begins with this,

• friendly greeting, the other person may be in thought. He said: “Good evening”. The pool attendant replied in a calm tone: “Good evening. Unfortunately, we’re already closed”,
• say what I specifically want. “Can you please let me in? I didn’t make it in time”,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents you from getting restless. He repeated in his mind: “Can you please let me in? I didn’t make it in time”,
• listen to the other person’s justified objections in silence and let them finish. “It’s already late. I still have a lot to do, I’m sorry”,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can relax the situation. “You’re right”,
• telling the other person something about yourself helps them to form a picture of you. “I’m normally punctual. My day was a total mess. Nothing went as planned. I spent the whole day thinking about swimming, just leaving the frustration in the water”,
• listen to the other person’s justified objections in silence and let them finish. The pool attendant replied: “The ticket office is already closed, I’m sorry”,
• repeat the sentence, i.e. our wish, a second and final time (!). The other person is right! More repetitions seem demanding again. “Can you please let me in? I didn’t make it in time”.
• This time the lifeguard sticks to the no.

AFTER the situation I should

• praise myself for every little step forward, regardless of my success. Say to yourself silently: “At least I tried. He is in the right. There’s no need to be angry with him. Next time I’ll just be on time” and
• be proud of having tried.

Hinsch, R. & Pfingsten, U. (2007). Gruppentraining sozialer Kompetenz. München: Urban und Schwarzenberg.

Hinsch, R. & Wittmann, S. (2010). Soziale Kompetenz kann man lernen. Weinheim: Beltz.

Kühner, K. & Weber, I. (2001). Depression vorbeugen. Ein Gruppenprogramm nach R.F. Munoz. Göttingen: Hogrefe.

Linehan, M. (2006). Trainingsmanual zur Dialektisch-Behavioralen Therapie der Borderline- Persönlichkeitsstörungen. München: CIP-Medien.

Meichenbaum, D. (2003). Intervention bei Stress. Göttingen: Hans Huber.