make demands

In this case, other people are legally obliged to give us and do what we ask of them or what we ask them to do.

Consider BEFORE the situation,

• what my rights are,
• what I want to achieve. In other words, what specific behavior I expect from the person,
• encourage ourselves by saying to ourselves: “It is my right”.

Remember IN the situation,

• that most people are interested in a peaceful solution,
• be friendly, because the other person may not (yet) be aware of the misconduct,
• speak calmly and clearly. Speaking up or shouting often generates a backlash.

MAKING A REQUEST begins with

• “I wish / want / ask you to”,
• say what I specifically want, then why,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents you from straying from the topic,
• do not apologize for justified demands, do not discuss demands,
• listen to the other person’s objections in silence and let them finish,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can relax the situation,
• insisting on demands means repeating the demand calmly and firmly.

AFTER the situation I should

• praise myself for every little bit of progress, regardless of success. Say to yourself silently: “It worked. I did it … or … It wasn’t as hard as I thought”,
• feel proud of any progress, no matter how small, regardless of success. Proud to have tried … or … to think about what can be improved next time,
• remember that even the most confident person doesn’t always get what they want. There is no guarantee!

If music is still turned up loud after 10 p.m., the night’s rest is seriously disturbed. We have the right to demand that the music is turned down. It is important to remember that socially competent behavior does not necessarily mean that we get what we demand. There will always be people who have their own views on what is right and what is wrong. But that shouldn’t stop us from trying.

She had had a difficult day and had a very important appointment the next morning. The neighbor’s music was still playing loudly at 11 pm. It wasn’t just the chorus of the song: “Life is beautiful …” that was difficult for her to understand at this time of night; she wanted to finally fall asleep. Irritated, she got up again.

She thought about what her rights were BEFORE going to the neighbor: “The legal night’s rest begins at 10 pm.” What did she want to achieve? What specific behavior did she want to demand from her neighbor: “I want the music turned down.” Good neighborliness was also important to her. She therefore encouraged herself with the sentence: “It’s my right to ask for it”.

IN the situation, just before ringing the neighbor’s doorbell, she reminded herself that most people are interested in a peaceful solution. And she wanted to make sure she acted in a friendly manner, because the neighbor might not (yet) be aware of the misconduct (loud music) in his party mood. She took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell. A cheerful neighbor opened the door. “Hello, neighbor, don’t you want to join the party?” She remembered to speak clearly and not mumble. She knew that being loud or shouting often provoked a backlash.

She could now MAKE HER DEMAND: “Good evening, Mr. Neighbor”,

• I wish / would like / request you to – “I would like to ask you …”,
• say what I want specifically, then why – “to turn down the music so that I can go to sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow”,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents me from straying from the topic. She memorized the sentence – “I would like to ask you to turn the music down so that I can fall asleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow.” She paused,
• not apologizing for legitimate demands, not discussing demands,
• listen to the other person’s objections in silence and let them finish. The neighbor replied: “I’m glad to see you. You look well! Why don’t you celebrate with us? We’ve won an important customer.” She let the neighbor finish and didn’t interrupt. Going into the fact that she looked good or what kind of business deal it was would distract from her request,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can relax the situation. She replied – “I’m glad for you.” However, it was important to get back to the demand and not get bogged down,
• insisting on demands means repeating the demand calmly and firmly – “I’d like to ask you to turn down the music so I can go to sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow.” The neighbor was in a celebratory mood and probably wanted to make a joke: “Now you’re repeating yourself.” At this point, it was important to repeat the request again in the same words!!! calmly but firmly – “I’d like to ask you to turn the music down so I can go to sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow.” The neighbor agreed to turn down the music.

AFTER the situation, she praised herself for this success and said to herself – “It worked. I managed it. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought”. She was proud of herself.

However, it is important to remember that even the most self-confident person does not always achieve what they want. There is no guarantee! If the person still persists in their misconduct, they have still behaved in a socially competent manner. Social competence is not defined by getting what you want, but by asking for it. In case of doubt, other legal steps must be taken.

There are always drivers who block other people’s entrances or exits with their own cars. This is not only annoying, but also causes delays for third parties. In such cases, we have the right to demand that the third-party vehicle be removed. Although we know that it could be unpleasant, that shouldn’t stop us from trying.

He observed a strange vehicle blocking his exit and the driver got out.

He thought about what his rights were BEFORE the situation arose – “the driveway must remain clear”. What did he want to achieve? What specific behavior did he want to demand – “I want the vehicle to be removed.” After all, he had to drive away himself and would be right back. And then he didn’t want the strange vehicle to remain in the driveway either. He encouraged himself with the sentence – “It’s my right to demand that”. He approached the driver, who also noticed him.

IN the situation, he reminded himself that most people are interested in a peaceful solution. He wanted to make sure he acted in a friendly manner, as the man was perhaps not (yet) aware of his misbehavior (blocking the driveway) for some reason. He took a deep breath and remembered to speak clearly. He knew that speaking up or shouting often generates a backlash.

He could now MAKE HIS DEMAND: “Good afternoon,

• I wish / would like / request you – “You are blocking my driveway. I would like to ask you…”,
• say what I specifically want, then why – “… to park your vehicle somewhere else”,
• remembering the sentence (what I want) prevents you from straying off topic. He memorized the sentence – “You are blocking my driveway. I would like to ask you to park your vehicle elsewhere.” He paused,
• not apologizing for legitimate demands, not discussing demands,
• listen to the other person’s objections in silence and let them finish. The driver replied: “I just have to do something really quickly. I’ll be right back.” He let the man finish and did not interrupt him. Going into how long “quickly” is would distract from the request he had just made,
• expressing understanding for the other person’s position can relax the situation. He replied – “I know situations like that.” However, it was important to get back to the demand and not get bogged down debating the urgency of different situations,
• insisting on demands means repeating the demand calmly and firmly – “You are blocking my driveway. I would like to ask you to park your vehicle somewhere else.” He stopped to wait for the driver’s reaction. The driver scowled and also waited for what felt like an eternity. Then he got back into his vehicle and drove off.

AFTER the situation, he praised himself for this success and said to himself – “It worked. It was pretty exciting, but I did it. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be”. He was proud of himself.

However, it is important to remember that even the most self-confident person does not always achieve what they want. There is no guarantee! If the person still persists in their misconduct, they have still behaved in a socially competent manner. Social competence is not defined by getting what you want, but by asking for it. In case of doubt, other legal steps must be taken.

Hinsch, R. & Pfingsten, U. (2007). Gruppentraining sozialer Kompetenz (5. überarb. Aufl.). München: Urban und Schwarzenberg.

Hinsch, R. & Wittmann, S. (2010). Soziale Kompetenz kann man lernen (2. überarb. Aufl.). Weinheim: Beltz.

Kühner, K. & Weber, I. (2001). Depression vorbeugen. Ein Gruppenprogramm nach R.F. Munoz. Göttingen: Hogrefe.

Linehan, M. (2006). Trainingsmanual zur Dialektisch-Behavioralen Therapie der Borderline- Persönlichkeitsstörungen. München: CIP-Medien.

Meichenbaum, D. (2003). Intervention bei Stress. Göttingen: Hans Huber.